i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
