the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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