I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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