Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
