Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
