Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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