Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
