He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
