I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize