when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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