Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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