i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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