I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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