I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I want is dick and wine.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
