I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
