I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
