you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
