he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
