I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
