just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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