You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
