Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
