I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
