i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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