Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
