she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
