Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just tell him i said nine months
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
