My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Let's get the cat blown out
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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