You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
