can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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