Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
