I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
