i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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