You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
