I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
