I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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