I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
