she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
