Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
