We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
