I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
then he tried to convert me to islam
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
