I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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