How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
