true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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