evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
he was CRYING into my vagina
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
