Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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