I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
