someone threw a dead crab at me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
a search helicopter?!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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