How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
