Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
