did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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